My own personal hell

I wake up to go to class, I come home and lock myself in my room until it's time to go to sleep again. I can't think of anything that could bring me joy, the games I enjoyed are just there...the people I normally hang out with are around but I don't want to be there.I have firmly stated in the past that I have issues understanding clinical depression because I have never fallen into a rut that I couldn't pull myself out of. I have watched family die slowly, I have buried friends and family, I have watched dreams die; and none of that has ever made me feel like I could even begin to understand clinical depression. Now I think I'm beginning to understand.You went somewhere you knew that I could not follow, you made sure of that, you left me behind after everything we have been through. Were you that afraid that you had found something that could make you happy, or were you so afraid that you have wasted so much time on a loser? Your only reason you gave was that you didn't know if I was truly what you wanted...that you doubted if I was good enough.I feel like a shell that only does things because it is expected of me.Even with all that I know things can never really go back, there are things you can't take away and can't undo. I am constantly reminded that "you can never go home again"The only comfort I can give myself is that the one year, eight months, and seven days were some of the best of my life.I have stared at this screen wondering if I should post it, wondering if I should back out, wondering if I should hide. But I'm beginning to doubt my ability to pull myself through this and I think I need the help of my friends.